


Bucky,

by WinterMonster



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterMonster/pseuds/WinterMonster
Summary: A short letter from Steve to Bucky.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Bucky,

Bucky,

I’ve tired to write this dozens of times at this point,  
I’ve been sitting at this desk, my back hunched and spine bending uncomfortably for hours,  
The ground around me is littered with crumpled balls of paper, forgotten words, and unexpressed emotions.  
But, I’m gonna do it this time, no more redoes, whatever comes out, it’s just gonna have to do.

I just, I wanted this to be perfect, because that’s what you deserve.  
After all the times I’ve let you down, after all the times I’ve failed you, I just wanted to finally give you something, to do something for you that was good enough.  
But nothing ever will be, because you’re perfect, and you deserve everything, and it’s so hard, because I can’t give that too you, I want to give you everything and I can’t even write this fucking letter!

I know it shouldn’t matter, you’re not gonna read this anyway.  
You’re not coming back, and I know that, everyone keeps telling me that as if I don’t know, but of course I do. It’s hard not to notice when -the love of your life-* somebody like you leaves.  
I can just imagine, if you were here, that you’d be yelling at me right now for not leaving my house in so long. Saying that I need sunlight and fresh air. Then you’d force me to go for a run, or eat an apple or something. But you’d do it with a smile, That perfect smile.

If you were here though, you wouldn’t need to yell at me, because I wouldn’t be writing this letter, I wouldn’t have been in this room for the last month, I wouldn’t be living on junk and scraps. Not just because you wouldn’t let me, but because I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t want to be trapped away from the world, because my vision of it would still have colour. My heart wouldn’t burn every time I tried to smile.

I’m aware how pathetic this sounds, I know how the looks of pity people give me are growing tired, are growing into resentment, I know they must be exhausted. But I just can’t care, Buck. I just can’t work up the will to care. They don’t get it, they don’t understand what I’m going through, so I don’t care. I just can’t give a fuck that they think I should have moved on by now, if anyone should be angry it’s me! And for the ever loving fuck I am!

I’m so mad! I’m mad at everything and I can’t stop wanting to scream, to tear down the walls, to break everything I see into a million little pieces and then break them again. I want to rip my hair out, to cut away the pain. I’m angry at you for leaving and I’m angry at myself for losing you again! I’m angry at the world for hurting us, I’m so fucking angry! I just want to kill. But I don’t, instead I just sit, the anger bubbling away inside me, I’m like a volcano, ready to burst. I don’t. I keep my plain expression and sit still, because I just don’t have the energy to do it. So instead I do nothing. 

You’d be so disappointed in me, I wouldn’t blame you, I’m disappointed in me too. I let you go again. The first time, when you fell off the train, I was sure I lost you. Getting you back, only to have you torn away from me again, I might as well have turned to dust as well, because something inside me did. And just like you, it’s not coming back.

I’m sorry, Bucky, I’m sorry we never got to live the life we wanted. I’m sorry we never got to tell the world who we really were, who we are. I’m sorry I let you down.

I’m gonna do it, just like you wanted to all those years ago, back before you joined the army. I’m gonna tell everyone. I’m gonna do it because I don’t care what they think anymore, because I don’t care about anyone except you. I only wish I hadn’t waited this long. But I’m gonna tell them, as one final way to make it up to you.

I’m gonna tell them I love you, Buck  
Because I do, and I always will,  
I love you.  
Goodbye.

— Your Stevie

**Author's Note:**

> * 'The love of your life' is crossed out.


End file.
